Massive Japanese Tampon / The Japon Tampon / Super Massive Japan / Mega Huge Japon Tampon

This is the name of my dream band. I will now proceed to take you through the line-up and management positions within the band.

Drums

The only man that I would feel comfortable with behind the sticks is Patrick Baird (Kowalski). There have been performances where I have actually seen shrapnel from World War Two bombs spit past Paddy’s head. I remember a gig they played in the Ulster Hall. Paddy was playing drums and Tom’s bass broke in half. Paddy got into the band van and drove down to Bangor, picked up a new bass and drove back up to the gig without missing a beat. There was of course the other time when Paddy asked me round for dinner. I accepted but when I showed up and sat at the table I was given a dish of spaghetti and expected to eat it with a pair of drum sticks. Paddy was eating a new drum skin spread with Golden Cow.

All of that is true but pretty pointless. Paddy B would be the drummer as he is maybe the best drummer in the solar system. Mr.Reliable, Captain Sensible, he would hold The Tampon in order. If I was in a trench in the war I would want Paddy B played the drums in military uniform whilst I smoked and threw myself over the trench into the line of fire.

Bass

On bass it would have to be the 6ft+ pillar of society Krist Novosellic (Nirvana). The man is over 6ft and at his peak he would play gigs barefoot. He was so cool. He had really long hair, a massive beard, was over 6ft tall and was in the biggest band in the world. He will have seen it all and know how to handle certain situations. He will also be used to the pure punk/grunge moments that can sometime pour out of The Tampons soul. This is vital as maybe Novosellic is one of only a few who could lead Paddy B. Can you imagine Novosellic and Paddy Baird cranking through some shit? It is a really delightful thought which is making me hit my keyboard buttons in an ever increasingly aggressive manner.

Novosellic also has the sadness of having his best friend shoot himself.  “Prone to depression” is definitely a characteristic I need in this band. It means you can look into his eyes and see the sadness sometimes. Sadness can be a very creative and aggressive emotion. Paddy B would share a beer with him when he felt like this, put him in his pocket and cheer him up. Krist also has the slightly bi-sexual vibe and that is something I think is very important to famous musicians. Any thing and I mean anything just to get a kick and get through the night.

Vocals

The front person of this band would be the moody, indie-ly beautiful Tracy Anne-Campbell (Camera Obscura). Miss Campbell has a beautiful voice and I would imagine her and Krist have a little bit of history. If anyone treated her badly Krist would fuck them up. They would occasionally sleep together but for Tracy-Anne it wouldn’t mean much, for Krist it would add to his sadness. Tracy has the style, the voice and the look of the queen of indie musicians. Her haircut is class.

She seems to have the temperament which makes you unsure whether you are allowed to laugh or not. It’s hard to say what her relationship with Paddy B would be like. I imagine Tracy would always appreciate Paddy’s time-keeping skills, reliability and that she would respect his decision not to get pissed with Krist before high profile shows.

Guitar

This is the hardest decision in selecting my ax-man. I’m sure there are some guitarists I love but I just can’t think who the hell they are! Badly Drawn Boy was very close to getting the job but his tendency to be sad would give the band a overwhelming depression angle. At the top of my head I am going to say Albert Hammond Jr (Strokes). He would provide the cool factor. He would be really upbeat and this would be infectious. He and Paddy B would be really good drinking buddies. Albert would grow a beard at times to be like Paddy. When they would go out on the town together the ladies and men would pay money to french kiss them. They would just laugh though as they were both taken.

The more I think of Albert in the band the more delighted I am with it. He and Krist add the American influence and vibe. He would tell Tracy Ann to cheer up and laugh. He can talk about growing up when Karate Kid was released and how it felt to actually go to a decent non dodgy arcade. Americans are cool. Especially the ones in this band.

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At this stage we have the core line-up. There are people behind the scenes that we will need to look after these boys and girls. The more I have thought about it the more I think it is cool to have someone else write your songs. I was out and discussing with some friends about how I wish I knew someone who could sing like Elvis. All the local indie bands would then write songs for this person to perform and record. He would be really respected because of his voice. I remember I wanted an EP where every song had a different bass player. I digress. So anyway this band would have a song writer.

Song-Writer

The songwriter for my group would be Shane MacGowan (Pogues). He may seem a strange choice but he is the right balance between punk and ballad. In this group he would write the tunes and Krist would try an get him to pick up an electric and crank it up. Sometimes he would, sometime he wouldn’t. Sometimes the songs he would bring to the table would be some of the best songs the band had ever heard. Sometime they would be pretty poor but this would make the former experiences all the more magical. Sometimes after a gig he would be half cut and play a song in the background while people chatted. Tray-Anne would notice when he finished and ask “What was that song called?” Shane would reply “Oh nothing…that one’s not for you guys.”

“One summer evening drunk to hell, I sat there nearly lifeless. An old man in the corner sang “Where the water lilies grow” – Pair of Brown eyes. Lovely.

Manager

There is only one man for the job, George Ivan Morrison (Them). This man has been ripped off, he is highly suspicious, paranoid and aware. Granted some people wouldn’t book his band due to bad personal relations. When the band start revolutionising the underground music scene these same bookers will come back and say “Ok…Ok… you can come and pla…..” “Fuck off, you blew it.”

The man would ensure travel, accommodation and food was first class for the band. He would use his experience of letting The Doors support his band and that tour of the West Coast to ensure his band always got the money they were owed. If they didn’t get the money he would kick the shit out of the promoter. He would never let Tracy Ann see this side of the business though. He really cares for her. To her he is a father figure. He would sometimes ask Tracy to sing him old Ray Charles numbers when they would walk home from the local boozer and the old boy had one too many. He really loved all the band and would make wise cracks with Krist about the exploits of Albert and Paddy.

Guitar Tech’s

This area isn’t too important to me. It’s an excuse to mention a few names. Rivers Cuomo (Weezer – bowl cut version) would test out the instruments before a show and play a bit of the blue album era stuff that didn’t make the album.

Norman Blake (Teenage Fanclub) would be there to tune guitars and stuff. Tracy Ann really just gave him the job as she knew him from their time in Glasgow. Normans wife left him and he got sacked from Teenage Fanclub. Once he got sacked The Fannies went onto have massive success and all moved to Bangkok. He needs the cash but more importantly he needs the company after a botched suicide attempt made one of his ears fall off.

Erlende Oye (Whitest Boy Alive) would sometimes ring Tracy to get on the guest list with his trendy mates. He and her had a thing that started on a tour of Norway. No one else in the band really likes him and think he’s a bit of a “gay-boy” (not in a homo-sexual way, in a pimary school mid-nineties definition way). Krist goes really silent when he enters a room. Van detests him after something he overheard him say to Tracy. Tracy never knew Van over heard it.

On a complete side note I think Joanna Newsom is the new Van Morrison. Look at their respective ages when their debut solo albums came out. Ys by Joanna is a modern day Astral Weeks, not as good though. She has the five song album so does he, their voices are instantly recognizable. Have a think about it and you’ll agree.